Feeling misunderstood can be incredibly frustrating. Whether it’s a work conversation, a discussion with a friend, or a chat with a partner, we naturally want to be understood. So, when someone interprets our words or intentions differently than we meant, the urge to defend ourselves can be powerful. However, reacting defensively often pushes others away, deepening the misunderstanding and straining relationships.
If defensiveness is something you’ve struggled with, you’re not alone. It’s a common response, but with a few small shifts, you can turn misunderstandings into opportunities for connection and clarity. Here’s how:
1. Pause, Exhale, and Shift
When you feel that urge to defend yourself, try to pause and let out a slow exhale, instead of saying the defensive words that pop into your head. Focusing on the exhale can help release some of the tension in your body which will make choosing your words easier. Then, physically shift your position, even if it’s as simple as turning your chair slightly or leaning in a different direction. This small movement can help you look at the other person from a new angle, giving you a moment to prepare for a mental shift as well. These actions (exhaling and physically changing your viewpoint) create a quick reset, allowing you time to consider their perspective before responding.
2. Ask for Their Perspective
Instead of launching into an explanation, try asking for more information about what your conversation partner understands about what was said. This kind of questioning does two things: it shows you’re interested in their perspective, and it slows the conversation down, helping you become curious instead of defensive. You might be surprised by what you hear—often, a misunderstanding is based on an assumption that can quickly be clarified once it’s out in the open.
3. Acknowledge What They Heard
It’s tough to let go of the need to “correct” the misunderstanding immediately, but sometimes just acknowledging what the other person heard can bridge the gap. Saying, “Ah, makes sense why that was confusing” helps the other person feel seen and can soften any irritation they may be feeling. This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with their interpretation; you’re just recognizing that their perspective is valid.
4. Reframe the Moment as an Opportunity to Clarify
Try to view misunderstandings as chances to learn more about the situation and each other’s communication styles.
Ask yourself: Why am I taking this misunderstanding personally? Do I need to get more clarity around what I want before responding?
Ask your conversation partner: Was there something said that didn't work for you?
When you shift your perspective this way, misunderstandings feel less personal and more like a chance to grow in your communication. This mindset makes it easier to move past defensiveness and focus on strengthening your relationship or teamwork.
5. Be Kind to Yourself
Lastly, remember that defensiveness is a natural reaction. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling it! Recognizing your defensive impulse is the first step to handling it well. The more you practice pausing, listening, and reframing misunderstandings, the easier it will become.
Misunderstandings don’t have to feel like personal attacks. With practice, you can manage defensiveness in a way that leads to better communication, stronger relationships, and a greater sense of calm—even when things aren’t perfectly clear.
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